#86

Letting go of feelings is never as easy as people make it out to be. To read about it in books, to see it played out in movies it seems like everything works out for the best for them. No one ever tells you it is the scariest feeling when you actually tell someone else how it really is.

I remember sitting on it for days wondering if I was doing the right thing. If I wanted to go down this path or just try and convince myself what I’m hearing isn’t what it’s sounding like. You never really know because no two people are the same. 

Yet it was conversations with friends; about their lives not even about what thoughts were rolling around in my head that made up my mind on this. 

I was going to tell him that after playing with my emotions for long enough that my feelings had turned into something deeper than I wanted them too. The only thing was – I was pretty sure I was ending everything with him at the same time. I was pretty positive this was not the kind of words he wanted to hear from me. Yet even right now I’m sure of it days after I’ve said it.  

I don’t mean anything to him. 

It’s strange but to think of someone a certain way and yet wonder how they don’t see it in themselves. I’ve been getting this impression for a while. The things I wished I had the bravery to say to you. 

You are a wanderer, a man with a wild soul. You are the wolf howling on a clears night atop of a mountain without your pack. You are the star that’s been burning the brightest to keep everyone else warm at night. You get paralysed by your own emotions – and I can’t understand why.

Why should you be scared? You are more than you could ever realise. 

You are the artist, the photographer, the wanderer, historian, and the story teller. You are all of what some people wish they could just be one of! You are the energy in the room, the laugher that flows through the walls. You are loved but so unsettled I don’t think you really see it for what it is. 

Don’t let your soul get crushed, isolation doesn’t suit you. It’s not healthy and it won’t make you happy. Come home my love, come home (exaggerating clearly but it seemed fitting) we are all waving lights to guide you back home. There is so much good in you, so much … 

It’s a strange feeling it is to think so much about a person you come to understand you really know nothing about. But do the years really tell you more about a person than someone you have gotten to know over a shorter amount of time?  

I found this quote below two days after I told him. I must have read this saying before I had to have. It is exactly how I felt. It’s how I’m going to continue feeling. Things belong in the past and even though it’s really only a day that passes in hindsight, it’s still a new beginning.